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A Personal Confession

We all carry childhood wounds. One of my constant goals in my marriage is to help heal a childhood wound my wife, Simóne carries.

I strive to provide safety, so she doesn't have to re-live that pain for the rest of her life. When I think about her childhood wounds, I ask myself, "How can I provide, in our marriage, what she didn't get as a child?" I ponder what I can say and do to ensure her adulthood is free from those wounds and that they are no longer a constant presence in her life.

Now, I know that I’m only part of the solution and, like all of us, my wife has to process her pain, but I want Simóne to know that she is safe in our marriage and that I am part of her healing not a contributor to her pain.

Here are some practical steps I take to help heal her wounds, and I believe they can be beneficial for anyone looking to support their spouse in a similar way:

1. Listen Actively

I don’t see my wife has a problem to be fixed but as a person with whom I must connect.

Talk openly and compassionately about your partner's pain. Listen without judgement and offer words of reassurance. Sometimes, just knowing they can share their thoughts and fears without criticism or a three-point action plan can be incredibly healing.

2. Show Consistent Love and Affection

Show up every day. Consistency builds trust. Whether it's small acts of kindness, regular check-ins, or just being there, let your spouse know you're committed to their well-being.

If I notice my wife is withdrawn, sad or down, I lean into her in that moment by providing reassurance that I see her. I listen and connect with her pain.

3. Be Patient and Understanding

Healing takes time. Be patient with your spouse and understand that there will be good days and there will be bad days. Reassure them that you are there for them, no matter what kind of day it is.

4. Learn & Adapt

Educate yourself about your partner's experiences and triggers. This doesn't mean you have to be a therapist, but understanding more about their past can help you respond in a supportive way.

This means, I change my behaviours and how I communicate so I don’t trigger her pain.

5. Be Part of the Healing Process

Take an active role in your partner’s healing. This might mean adjusting the budget to pay for therapy, joining them in counselling, reading self-help books together, or simply being there to support their journey, at their pace.

By considering her pain and potential, and deciding to be part of the process of her healing, I’m contributing to healing the part of her that's experienced pain. It’s about loving from a deep place and helping to heal our partners' wounds when we know their pain, filling that void with love and safety every day.

I want Simóne to know that she is deeply loved, that she's no longer carrying that pain alone, and that I’ve got her back. Even though I’ve seen the ugliest parts of her, I still love, admire, and desire her.

Remember, you’re not the entire solution, but by being a supportive and loving partner, you can significantly contribute to your partner’s healing journey.

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