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Why Your Attachment Style Might Be Messing with Your Relationship

Ever feel like you and your spouse are stuck in the same frustrating patterns? One of you craves constant reassurance, the other needs space, and somehow, you both end up frustrated. Welcome to the world of attachment styles—the behind-the-scenes script that’s been running your relationships since childhood.


If you’ve ever wondered why you react the way you do in relationships (or why your partner does), it could be because of your attachment style.


1. Anxious Attachment


Where it comes from: Anxious attachment often develops in childhood when a caregiver is inconsistent—sometimes warm and available, other times distant or unresponsive. As a result, the child learns that love isn’t always secure.


What it looks like in adult relationships: You crave closeness but constantly worry about being abandoned. You may overanalyse texts, need frequent reassurance, or feel on edge if your partner isn’t as emotionally engaged as you are. The fix? Work on self-soothing instead of relying on your partner to regulate your emotions. Confidence in yourself makes for a much healthier connection.


2. Avoidant Attachment


Where it comes from: Avoidant attachment usually stems from having caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or discouraged too much dependence. These kids learn to rely on themselves and suppress emotional needs.


What it looks like in adult relationships: You value independence, struggle with vulnerability, and withdraw when things get too emotional. When conflict arises, your instinct is to shut down or create distance. The challenge? Learning to stay present in tough moments instead of emotionally checking out. Start by sharing small vulnerabilities—it won’t kill you, I promise.


3. Disorganised Attachment


Where it comes from: This style is often linked to unpredictable or even traumatic childhood experiences—where caregivers were both a source of comfort and fear. This creates confusion around love and safety.


What it looks like in adult relationships: A mix of anxious and avoidant traits. You may crave connection one moment and push it away the next. Relationships feel like an emotional rollercoaster—intense highs, painful lows, and a fear of both intimacy and abandonment. The key? Recognising the pattern and working on emotional regulation. Therapy and self-awareness can help break the cycle.


4. Secure Attachment


Where it comes from: Securely attached people had caregivers who were consistently loving, responsive, and reliable. They learned that relationships are a safe space.


What it looks like in adult relationships: You’re comfortable with closeness, communicate well, and handle conflict without spiralling into panic or retreat. If you have this, congrats! If not, don’t worry—attachment styles aren’t life sentences. With effort, you can move toward a healthier way of connecting.


So, What Now?


Your attachment style isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour—it’s just a starting point. If you and your partner keep falling into frustrating patterns, understanding your attachment dynamics can be a game-changer. Want help untangling the mess? Let’s chat. Practical, no-nonsense counselling is just a click away.



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