Line in the Sand
Couple Exercise

Line in the Sand Exercise Overview

 

1. Create an Apology List

Take the next 3-4 days and individually create a list of everything you’ve done to hurt your partner and break their trust. 

 

Create two columns in your list: Actions (what you did) & Feelings (how it made your spouse feel). 

 

Be specific. Don’t generalise anything. Consider what your partner has said to you in conflict, in hurt – ensure those things are also added to your list.

 

2. Share Your List

Arrange a time to get together and share your list with each other. Sit opposite each other so you can give one another as much eye contact as possible.

 

3. Ask, “Is there anything I have left off the list?”

This gives your partner the opportunity to clean the deck and ensures nothing is left unspoken. You can now both walk away from this exercise with everything brought to the table, so you can both heal.

 

4. Take responsibility

Say, “I was wrong. I take full responsibility for my behaviour, and I am sorry.” This will help to bring your partner’s defences down.

 

5. Ask, “What can I do to make this better?”

A sincere apology carries the message and heart of “I don’t want you to feel like this again.” It’s important that you write down your partner’s answers so you have a detailed action plan of what you need to work on to help heal your relationship.

 

6. Ask, “Will you forgive me?”

Asking for forgiveness removes any sense of entitlement and says you’re not demanding it. It’s okay if your partner doesn’t forgive you yet; it simply highlights that there is work to be done. Remember, forgiveness and trust are two different things.

 

7. Swap

Your partner now shares their list and follows the steps above. 

 

8. Embrace

Give each other a long hug (at least 1 minute).

 

Remember, the success of this exercise rests on your ability to be open and vulnerable when creating your apology list and when sharing it.